Last month was a disappointment. Our hopes for a November baby didn’t pan out and the TTC cycle has started all over again. So now we’ve got our hopes up for a December baby, the best possible Christmas present. To be honest, I’m feeling a bit more chilled out and far less obsessive. But this month is proving difficult for other reasons.
We had a fantastic night out on Friday with three other couples, all of whom have children. They spent all night cooing over pictures of their offspring and sharing stories about their latest milestones, beaming with pride and relishing every moment of parenthood. Then the focus turned to The Farmer and I. ‘When are you two going to start a family? Have you started trying?’ This seemingly innocent question amongst friends wasn’t really a problem, but it really freaked The Farmer out. ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit off that people are basically asking us if we’re at it?!’ Well no, I hadn’t thought about it like that, but I do now!
They’d noticed that I wasn’t drinking, so assumed that I was already pregnant and just not letting on. I’m trying really hard to get by body in the best shape possible to give us a decent shot at conceiving. Pre-natal vitamins, no booze, de-caff coffee (and the crushing headaches that come from weaning myself off caffeine!) I’m also giving the farm a wide berth at the moment as they’re in the thick of lambing. The Farmer doesn’t want his mum to know we’re TTC, so she probably thinks she’s done something to offend me or that I’m quite possibly the worst farmer’s wife in the world and have lost interest in helping out on the farm already. Quite untrue, I love being on the farm, particularly during lambing. I’m just not taking any chances in case this is our month.
If things haven’t already been set in motion, it’s unlikely that they will be in the near future. March and April will see The Farmer working incredibly long, tiring days on the farm. Typically he’ll leave the house at 6am and won’t return home until at least 11pm. He’s usually too tired to do anything but say hello, step in the shower and collapse into bed. I would normally make the effort to spend all of my time outside work trying to spend as much time with him on the farm as possible, but I’m just not risking it this month. A few days into lambing and I’m already missing him. This just gives me more alone time to dwell on the ‘what ifs’.
In all likelihood, this won’t be our month and I’ll have avoided most things pleasurable for no reason. However, no one will be able to say I didn’t try! I’ll just keep getting my hopes up and trying to be less obsessed! Easier said than done, I fear!
Today I find my mind yet again consumed by all things baby. We’re very early on in our trying to conceive journey, but it’s taking over my thoughts on an epic scale. I wake up and wonder ‘what if’, ‘will this be our month’ on a pretty much daily basis. I’m doing my own head in, to be quite honest!
I never thought that I would be one of those women who became totally and utterly obsessed with the thought of starting a family; just as I was never one of those girls that became obsessed with weddings and all things girly. I really didn’t think I was that kind of person.
I now find myself surrounded by baby books (all telling me different things) and lured by Google onto a plethora of websites and discussion boards (all telling me different things!) What did we do before Google? We probably just got on with life and didn’t worry about things so much! Now I find myself sat at a computer looking for information and an answer to my questions. Correction: When I’m in a positive mood, I’m sat at a computer only interested in the answers that tell me what I want to hear. Things that will cheer me up and encourage me to ‘hang on in there, everything’s going to be OK, don’t panic yet!’ When I’m in a negative mood, my internet searches will serve to feed my despair and hook the pessimist in me into another cycle of worry. I’ll look for things that prove there’s something wrong with me or that convince me that the worst possible outcome awaits me. The land of Google really isn’t a healthy place for me to be at the moment.
Then I have to face friends, family and colleagues, all asking me when I’m going to have some ‘happy news’. The really useful reminders from some that I’m ‘not getting any younger’, shouldn’t I be thinking about starting a family ‘before it’s too late’. Thank you, we hadn’t thought of that before. Good job you reminded us. I’ve just turned 37, which I keep being reminded is a little late to have left it. I feel vindicated in that I didn’t put off starting a family for selfish reasons. It wasn’t because I was career driven or wanted to live my life to the max before settling down. It was simply that I hadn’t met anyone that came remotely close to tempting me to settle down; certainly no one that I would have considered having a baby with! Then, four years ago, I met The Farmer and everything changed. I’m now married to a wonderful man with whom I am ready to settle completely. We’re ready. We’re not doing it out of some sense of duty or to meet the expectations of others. It’s what we want, for us. But it’s not as easy as we thought it would be!
The problem with The Farmer, if you can call it a problem, is that he’s an eternal optimist. He always looks on the bright side and is almost too chilled out and relaxed. Although, I know he worries. I’m learning to read him and I can now see through some of his bravado. He’s even admitted to being ‘scared’ by the prospect of parenthood, but I know that there’s nothing he wants more. The difficulty I’m having is explaining to him that humans and sheep are a very different kettle of fish when it comes to procreation. It’s not as simple as putting the tups in during November and being guaranteed some lambs in March! He wants a baby in the winter, when he’s quiet on the farm. Not for selfish reasons, but so that he can spend as much time with a new baby and I as possible. That is an admirable sentiment, but puts me under some pressure to meet this time-scale. I feel I’ve got an extra clock ticking away; my biological clock and the farming calendar!