Kylie Minogue – Flower

Such a beautiful song and a perfect way to express the hopes and fears that I’ve encountered on my journey towards motherhood.


We got our BFP on Tuesday 25th March 2014!!!

So, after all the worry, this did turn out to be our month! By my calculations, our first baby is due on Thursday 4th December 2014. It’s been quite a week! I really thought we were out of the running, but on Monday I just didn’t feel myself. Not unwell, but different. I’d had some spotting – bright red at first and then dark brown, which made me think I was just having a light period. But by Tuesday I had that niggling feeling that maybe, just maybe it was worth doing a test. I wandered off into town and bought a couple of HPTs from Superdrug. The intention was to do a test when I got home. However, when I got back to work I just couldn’t wait and very unglamorously took the test in the loo at work! I guess I was just expecting to be disappointed again, so wasn’t too bothered. Lo and behold, there it was! The two pink lines I’d thought I’d never see! I was gob smacked and over the moon, but had five minutes to get to class! The lesson I taught was a bit of a blur. To say my mind was all over the place would be an understatement!


At lunchtime, I couldn’t wait to call The Farmer to tell him our good news. I would rather have told him in person, but knew he wouldn’t be home until 11pm. Imagine walking in from work totally exhausted, trying to process that kind of news and then fall asleep! I called him at 1pm and his initial reaction wasn’t quite what I expected. I asked him if he was sitting down, then took the poor lad totally by surprise. He sounded a bit shell shocked, so I panicked and asked if he was happy, which he said he was. I asked if he was scared, which he said he was. ‘It’s just a lot of responsibility, isn’t it?’ I called again about half an hour later and he seemed a little better thankfully. Just as well I didn’t wait until 11pm. I think he might have cried!

The next day, I was all over the place and couldn’t focus on anything at all. All I have thought about since Tuesday is baby, baby, baby! I went and bought myself a Clear Blue Digital with conception indicator, just to double check. Seeing the word ‘Pregnant’ on the display made it so much more real. That’s when I started to get nervous. That’s when I started to think about the 15-20% of pregnancies that end in miscarriage. I swear I’m my own worst enemy, over thinking everything. I keep finding myself sitting or lying cross-legged, which I think is some strange psychological response to almost keep the baby in! I’m crazy lol!


I ended up telling my parents, as I’m spending a lot of time with them at the moment. I also found myself in desperate need of someone to talk to, someone to ask questions, someone to share my excitement with. The Farmer has been great and I can tell that he’s super excited too, but he’s just nervous and worried about getting his hopes up. It’s been easier to get pregnant than we ever expected, so I think we’re both nervous that staying pregnant might be more of an obstacle. The 12 week scan can’t come soon enough! Unfortunately, that seems an awful long time away. Possibly more daunting than the two week wait.

My week has been filled with reading – I bought myself ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ and I’ve downloaded some great apps that are answering all my questions and helping to ease my worries(ish!) I had some dizziness on Thursday and Friday, then today my stomach has been doing somersaults all day. I guess it’s all signs that my body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing, but every little cramp, every little niggle is, if I’m honest, freaking me out a bit. I have a crazy urge to test every day (I haven’t though) to make sure that I’m still pregnant and that it wasn’t a dream. I saw my GP on Wednesday, so I guess once I get my results from him on Monday lunchtime it will sink in properly. Then, once I am contacted by the midwife, I think (hope) I’ll start to ease up on myself a little.

I break up for the Easter holidays on Friday 4th April, so that will give me two weeks away from the stresses of teaching to relax and start to enjoy my pregnancy! My pregnancy! My baby! I just hope that this little one stays put and does as it’s told!

It’s been wonderful sharing some tender moments together already, waking up to my usual three kisses from The Farmer and having him ask ‘How’s my little seed doing this morning?’ as he places his hand protectively on my tummy. These are moments I’ll cherish forever and I feel truly blessed to be sharing them with such an amazing husband!

Awkward questions

Last month was a disappointment. Our hopes for a November baby didn’t pan out and the TTC cycle has started all over again. So now we’ve got our hopes up for a December baby, the best possible Christmas present. To be honest, I’m feeling a bit more chilled out and far less obsessive. But this month is proving difficult for other reasons.

We had a fantastic night out on Friday with three other couples, all of whom have children. They spent all night cooing over pictures of their offspring and sharing stories about their latest milestones, beaming with pride and relishing every moment of parenthood. Then the focus turned to The Farmer and I. ‘When are you two going to start a family? Have you started trying?’ This seemingly innocent question amongst friends wasn’t really a problem, but it really freaked The Farmer out. ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit off that people are basically asking us if we’re at it?!’ Well no, I hadn’t thought about it like that, but I do now!

They’d noticed that I wasn’t drinking, so assumed that I was already pregnant and just not letting on. I’m trying really hard to get by body in the best shape possible to give us a decent shot at conceiving. Pre-natal vitamins, no booze, de-caff coffee (and the crushing headaches that come from weaning myself off caffeine!) I’m also giving the farm a wide berth at the moment as they’re in the thick of lambing. The Farmer doesn’t want his mum to know we’re TTC, so she probably thinks she’s done something to offend me or that I’m quite possibly the worst farmer’s wife in the world and have lost interest in helping out on the farm already. Quite untrue, I love being on the farm, particularly during lambing. I’m just not taking any chances in case this is our month.

If things haven’t already been set in motion, it’s unlikely that they will be in the near future. March and April will see The Farmer working incredibly long, tiring days on the farm. Typically he’ll leave the house at 6am and won’t return home until at least 11pm. He’s usually too tired to do anything but say hello, step in the shower and collapse into bed. I would normally make the effort to spend all of my time outside work trying to spend as much time with him on the farm as possible, but I’m just not risking it this month. A few days into lambing and I’m already missing him. This just gives me more alone time to dwell on the ‘what ifs’.

In all likelihood, this won’t be our month and I’ll have avoided most things pleasurable for no reason. However, no one will be able to say I didn’t try! I’ll just keep getting my hopes up and trying to be less obsessed! Easier said than done, I fear!

Getting my hopes up … again!

Today I find my mind yet again consumed by all things baby. We’re very early on in our trying to conceive journey, but it’s taking over my thoughts on an epic scale. I wake up and wonder ‘what if’, ‘will this be our month’ on a pretty much daily basis. I’m doing my own head in, to be quite honest!

I never thought that I would be one of those women who became totally and utterly obsessed with the thought of starting a family; just as I was never one of those girls that became obsessed with weddings and all things girly. I really didn’t think I was that kind of person.

I now find myself surrounded by baby books (all telling me different things) and lured by Google onto a plethora of websites and discussion boards (all telling me different things!) What did we do before Google? We probably just got on with life and didn’t worry about things so much! Now I find myself sat at a computer looking for information and an answer to my questions. Correction: When I’m in a positive mood, I’m sat at a computer only interested in the answers that tell me what I want to hear. Things that will cheer me up and encourage me to ‘hang on in there, everything’s going to be OK, don’t panic yet!’ When I’m in a negative mood, my internet searches will serve to feed my despair and hook the pessimist in me into another cycle of worry. I’ll look for things that prove there’s something wrong with me or that convince me that the worst possible outcome awaits me. The land of Google really isn’t a healthy place for me to be at the moment.

Then I have to face friends, family and colleagues, all asking me when I’m going to have some ‘happy news’. The really useful reminders from some that I’m ‘not getting any younger’, shouldn’t I be thinking about starting a family ‘before it’s too late’. Thank you, we hadn’t thought of that before. Good job you reminded us. I’ve just turned 37, which I keep being reminded is a little late to have left it. I feel vindicated in that I didn’t put off starting a family for selfish reasons. It wasn’t because I was career driven or wanted to live my life to the max before settling down. It was simply that I hadn’t met anyone that came remotely close to tempting me to settle down; certainly no one that I would have considered having a baby with! Then, four years ago, I met The Farmer and everything changed. I’m now married to a wonderful man with whom I am ready to settle completely. We’re ready. We’re not doing it out of some sense of duty or to meet the expectations of others. It’s what we want, for us. But it’s not as easy as we thought it would be!

The problem with The Farmer, if you can call it a problem, is that he’s an eternal optimist. He always looks on the bright side and is almost too chilled out and relaxed. Although, I know he worries. I’m learning to read him and I can now see through some of his bravado. He’s even admitted to being ‘scared’ by the prospect of parenthood, but I know that there’s nothing he wants more. The difficulty I’m having is explaining to him that humans and sheep are a very different kettle of fish when it comes to procreation. It’s not as simple as putting the tups in during November and being guaranteed some lambs in March! He wants a baby in the winter, when he’s quiet on the farm. Not for selfish reasons, but so that he can spend as much time with a new baby and I as possible. That is an admirable sentiment, but puts me under some pressure to meet this time-scale. I feel I’ve got an extra clock ticking away; my biological clock and the farming calendar!