Awkward questions

Last month was a disappointment. Our hopes for a November baby didn’t pan out and the TTC cycle has started all over again. So now we’ve got our hopes up for a December baby, the best possible Christmas present. To be honest, I’m feeling a bit more chilled out and far less obsessive. But this month is proving difficult for other reasons.

We had a fantastic night out on Friday with three other couples, all of whom have children. They spent all night cooing over pictures of their offspring and sharing stories about their latest milestones, beaming with pride and relishing every moment of parenthood. Then the focus turned to The Farmer and I. ‘When are you two going to start a family? Have you started trying?’ This seemingly innocent question amongst friends wasn’t really a problem, but it really freaked The Farmer out. ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit off that people are basically asking us if we’re at it?!’ Well no, I hadn’t thought about it like that, but I do now!

They’d noticed that I wasn’t drinking, so assumed that I was already pregnant and just not letting on. I’m trying really hard to get by body in the best shape possible to give us a decent shot at conceiving. Pre-natal vitamins, no booze, de-caff coffee (and the crushing headaches that come from weaning myself off caffeine!) I’m also giving the farm a wide berth at the moment as they’re in the thick of lambing. The Farmer doesn’t want his mum to know we’re TTC, so she probably thinks she’s done something to offend me or that I’m quite possibly the worst farmer’s wife in the world and have lost interest in helping out on the farm already. Quite untrue, I love being on the farm, particularly during lambing. I’m just not taking any chances in case this is our month.

If things haven’t already been set in motion, it’s unlikely that they will be in the near future. March and April will see The Farmer working incredibly long, tiring days on the farm. Typically he’ll leave the house at 6am and won’t return home until at least 11pm. He’s usually too tired to do anything but say hello, step in the shower and collapse into bed. I would normally make the effort to spend all of my time outside work trying to spend as much time with him on the farm as possible, but I’m just not risking it this month. A few days into lambing and I’m already missing him. This just gives me more alone time to dwell on the ‘what ifs’.

In all likelihood, this won’t be our month and I’ll have avoided most things pleasurable for no reason. However, no one will be able to say I didn’t try! I’ll just keep getting my hopes up and trying to be less obsessed! Easier said than done, I fear!

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